Well Don't You Look Ridiculous
by modalismodalism
Summary: Twoshot. Mello is ridiculous and Matt is incredulous. Mello/Matt
1. Well Don't You Look Ridiculous

**A/N:** Yay, new oneshot, I wrote this one during the car trip to Ottawa. I was sick of the stories where Matt tracks down Mello and it's so overly dramatic and heavy and so this story was born, enjoy

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Ominous black clouds loomed menacingly over the city of Los Angeles, blocking out the sun and casting eerie shadows over the bustling streets below. Mail Jeevas peered out at the oncoming storm through the single grimy window of his dingy apartment. He let out a sigh as he let the moth-eaten curtain fall back in place, storms meant power outages and power outages were the bane of every gamer's existence.

"Best stick to portable tonight," the red-haired muttered to himself as he adjusted his goggles. It was a shame too, it was Friday and Friday nights were his Xbox nights, but he could already hear the faint rumblings of thunder and see the flashes of lightning on the horizon as the storm moved closer.

Matt flopped down on his lumpy brown sofa with his second best PSP and settled down for a rousing game of Patapon. He stayed this way for about an hour, by now night had fallen and the storm was going full force complete with overly loud booming thunder. Hold on, that didn't sound like thunder

BOOM

Nope, that definitely wasn't thunder, someone was at the door and they sounded seriously pissed. Matt reluctantly set down his PSP to answer the door before whoever was out there broke it down with their excessive pounding.

"Yeah yeah, hold your horses, I'm coming," Matt muttered to no one in particular as he opened the door. He looked up at the figure in his doorway and blinked from behind his orange-tinted goggles. "Mello?"

The irritated blond shot the gamer a death glare as the redhead continued to stare at him. He let out a growl as he shoved the boy aside.

"Move it asshole, it's fucking raining out there," Mello snapped as he walked into Matt's apartment. Matt raised his eyebrows at the androgynous blond boy as he mumbled something about 'wet leather.'

"Still a total jerk I see," Matt commented with a smile growing on his face.

"Still a total loser I see," Mello shot back as he looked around Matt's apartment taking in the empty pizza boxes and half eaten instant ramen. "Do you ever leave this fucking dump?"

"Touché."

"Whatever, got any chocolate in this shit-hole?"

Matt just smiled as he padded off to his tiny kitchen to retrieve one of the few chocolate bars he kept around. It'd been four years since he'd seen Mello but it was like nothing had changed. Mello was still a prima donna and he was still…Matt. When he returned with a bar of chocolate Mello had removed his hooded leather jacket, exposing his midriff-baring leather vest and clean-cut hair.

Matt took one look at Mello and burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggles. Mello glared at him.

"What the fuck is so funny?" the blond boy asked peevishly, he could tell Matt was laughing at him and he did not appreciate it.

Matt was doubled over and clutching his stomach as he continued to giggle. His breath came out in short spurts as he tried to answer Mello.

"-huff- Yo-You look –huff- like fucking Madonna (1)," he collapsed once again into uncontrollable laughter, his face started to turn red and then purple as he was now laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. The look on Mello's face at that exact moment could only be described as a mix of '_Oh hell no' _and _'I'm going to castrate you with cactus.' _It really was a sight to behold, the murderous looking androgynous blond boy clad entirely in leather by way of Madonna standing next to the pale emaciated redhead dressed like a convict/mime with his eyes screwed up in laughter behind his chunky orange goggles. Yes, it really was what one would call a Kodak moment.

Mello briefly considered shooting the boy next to him but decided against it in favor of slapping him upside the head.

"Bitch please, Madonna wished she looked this good."

"Damn straight."

"Are you hitting on me?"

"Maybe," Matt had stopped laughing to smirk suggestively at Mello. This caught Mello off guard, he could feel himself blushing slightly under his friend's gaze as he continued to speak, "So…" Matt trailed off. Mello just stared. "How's uh _business_ been?" Matt inquired in an offhand manner.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Mello was confused now.

"You know what I mean, how's _business_?" Matt pressed, making an obscene thrusting gesture to get his point across.

"…"

Mello felt his face flush even more, this time in anger. Oh he did _not_ just go there, someone was not making it out of there with his manly parts intact and Mello was pretty damn sure it wouldn't be him.

"Are you…" Mello began slowly, "…suggesting that I'm a whore?"

"It'd explain the get-up," Matt shrugged.

This earned him another smack to the head courtesy of Mello. Couldn't a man wear leather without people questioning his motives?

"Ow. What the hell Mello?" the goggle clad boy rubbed his head gingerly.

"Never call me a whore again if you value your life."

"Don't dress like a cheap prostitute then."

Matt immediately regretted his words when he found himself pinned against the wall with a gun pressed against his left temple and a furious looking Mello mere inches away from him.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I dress, do you?"

Matt shook his head as he wondered what lunatic had decided it was a good idea to give the homicidal blond a gun.

"Good." Mello loosened his grip on the other boy and tucked his gun back in his pants. "Oh and FYI Matty, if I were a whore, I'd be a damn expensive one."

Matt just gaped as the leather-wearing non-whore slipped the chocolate bar out of his hand and began to unwrap it gently as if it was it was some fragile, sacred object, though to Mello it probably was. He took one bite out the chocolate before tossing the bar aside.

"It's fucking stale," he growled as he glared at Matt.

The redhead was taken slightly aback, Mello was not one to refuse chocolate no matter what state it was in.

"Someone's got their bitchpants on today," Matt remarked.

Mello growled in response and sent Matt one of his patented death glares.

"Jeez, who pissed in your Cocoa Puffs?"

Mello intensified his glare to the point where it could probably wilt flowers and kill small animals.

"You did, that one time when we were twelve."

"Oh yeah, good times," Matt grinned.

"Tell that to my Cocoa Puffs."

For the first time since Mello had barged into the apartment, there was silence.

"So…" Matt was the first to break the silence. Mello braced himself for what was going to come next. "…what exactly are you doing here?" Oh, that was surprisingly normal.

"It's about the Kira case."

Of course it was.

"I need your help."

Matt blinked; this was new. Mello never needed help from anyone.

"You in?"

Matt grinned again, "Hell yeah. Let's nail this son of a bitch in the ass."

Once more there was silence as Mello stared at the gamer incredulously.

"Oops, that came out wrong."

Mello responded by slapping Matt. This time Matt just grinned as placed a hand over his throbbing cheek.

"Aw. Are you jealous Mell-Bell? You know you're the only one I'd ever nail in the ass."

"Do you ever stop being such a fucking perv?" the blond demanded.

"Do you ever stop being such a prissy bitch?" Matt shot right back.

Mello rolled his eyes. At least now he had someone on his side, even if it was just Matt. He glanced back over at the still grinning gamer. No scratch that, _especially_ if it was Matt.

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**(1) Have you seen the music video for Madonna's Jump? Go watch it on Youtube if you don't the joke**

**A/N:** Hope you liked it, remember to review as they help me drag myself out from under my rock and write occasionally


	2. Seems a Crazy Occupation to Me

**A/N: Second part of the story that takes place the morning after previous events. This was originally posted as its own seperate story but I decided it would be best to combine them into one. I pretty much had to drag myself away from the tennis courts to write this. I was using tryouts as an excuse to not write, because unless I'm in front of a computer and start typing, I find the prospect of writing to be a scary one. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Deathnote or anything like that**

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Matt's lips compressed tightly into a frown as green eyes glinting with frustration stared at the object before him.

"It's just you and me now."

The toaster did not respond. It sat quietly on the counter underneath the flickering light bulb in the tiny kitchen, two halves of a bagel innocently peeked out from inside the dark confines of the appliance.

"There's no one here to help you now. So let me ask you, are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way."

Still no response from the toaster. This just seemed to anger Matt even more.

"You're mocking me aren't you? You stupid piece of crap," the redhead growled as he snapped his goggles in place, ready for war. Quickly his arm snapped forward and he pushed the lever down on the toaster's side.

Nothing happened.

"Goddamn you! I'm hungry!" Matt continued his assault on the poor machine, "Come on, work!" The boy was getting seriously pissed now; this was not how he wanted to start his mornings, beating up on kitchen appliances and all.

The one-sided battle was cut short by the sound of someone clearing their throat behind the gamer. Matt whipped around to find Mello in all his dead-cow skin clad glory with his customary scowl on his face.

"Oh, hey Mello, didn't know you were up."

"Of course I'm up, who the fuck could possibly sleep with all your goddamn fucking screeching."

Matt rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Ah well you see, the toaster's not exactly in a cooperative mood this morning." He explained, awkwardly laughing while doing so.

Mello rolled his eyes; it was just like Matt to get worked up over something so stupid. The blond had never seen the benefits to owning something as useless as a toaster, who the hell would waste their life eating burnt bread when they could be eating chocolate? Mello shoved Matt aside and approached the toaster.

"Out of the way jackass," he grunted.

Matt could've sworn he saw the appliance shrink a bit in fear at the sight of Mello's face.

"_This_ is how you deal with things that don't cooperate with you." The ex-Mafia leader pulled a gun out from the front of his pants and promptly fired a few rounds into the toaster. The unfortunate kitchen appliance spat out a few weak sparks before collapsing in defeat.

Matt's jaw had fallen prey to the insidious forces of gravity as his mouth hung open. Mello calmly tucked the gun back into his pants before retreating to the lumpy sofa with a bar of dark chocolate in hand.

"What the hell was that?!" Matt shrieked, he had paid good money for that toaster. Even though they had had their disagreements that toaster was practically family. On second thought, perhaps that was taking it too far. One had to be truly insane to assume they had familial relations with a device that cooked bread. Though he did consider his DS to be part of his family, but that was completely unrelated.

Mello shrugged as he lay down with his beloved chocolate.

"Negotiation technique," he replied coolly as he bit into a little piece of 75% cacao heaven.

"N-n-negotiation t-t-t-technique?" Matt sputtered, " What the fuck kind of negotiation technique is that you asshole?"

"A good one."

"Like hell it's a good one you fucking bastard!"

The redhead sighed in defeat; it was no good arguing with Mello. You could never win and things always got messy in the end. He could still remember an unfortunate from Whammy's in which some poor sucker had proclaimed chocolate to be disgusting within hearing range of Mello. Fortunately, his testicle retrieval operation had gone rather well.

Matt sat down on the ground next to Mello and lit up a cigarette. He laid his head down on the edge of one dilapidated cushion and stared at the ceiling as he blew out clouds of grey smoke.

"God Mello, I hope you shoot yourself in the ass one day."

The blond boy took another bite of chocolate before smirking in the same manner Matt had the night before.

"Oh, I can think of something much better that you can shoot up my ass."

Matt blanched. He lifted his head to look at the other boy.

"And you call me a perv."

He shifted so not just his face but his entire body was facing Mello.

"Hey Mello, can I ask you a question?"

There was no response; Matt took this as a signal to continue.

"What suicidal maniac decided to give you a gun anyway?"

"Mafia."

"Didn't realize the Mafia gave their bitches guns now."

Mello sat up suddenly, eyes white with rage. Oh that son of a bitch was going to get it now. He pulled his gun back out and aimed right above Matt's head, intending to fire a warning shot. He pulled the trigger…

Nothing happened.

He pulled again

-click-

Shit, all the bullets had been wasted on that goddamn toaster. Mello growled as he tossed the gun aside before turning to face the red haired boy before him. He violently grabbed Matt's collar and forced him up, moving in close to snarl at him, "I am not the Mafia's fucking bitch. I own the fucking Mafia, got that?"

The leather-clad boy tossed the other aside before sitting back down with another bar of chocolate, this time milk chocolate.

Matt sat still for a moment in the spot where he had been thrown and then stood up and plopped himself down next to Mello and wrapped his arms around his friend's neck with a cheeky grin on his face. The blond fidgeted slightly under the goggled boy's embrace, uncomfortable with this sudden closeness. He considered pushing the other off him but he was rather enjoying the other boy's warmth after the initial discomfort wore off. However, all thoughts about warmth and good feelings were cut off by what Matt said next.

"Aw, Mell-Bell. Maybe you weren't the Mafia's bitch but you're always welcome to be my bitch."

What the hell? What was this jerk-off talking about now? Mihael Keehl was nobody's bitch! He'd have to teach him a lesson.

Mello shoved Matt roughly away from him so the gamer's torso was laying on the opposite end of the brown couch, his lower half draped against the side. Mello brought his hands to rest on either side of Matt's head, effectively trapping the shorter boy underneath him. Without warning and before Matt could protest, the blond brought his lips crashing down on the ones below him.

This'll show stupid ol' Matt. Mello may have been girly looking but he was one dominant motherfucker.

As the two broke apart from the heated kiss, Mello looked down with a satisfied smirk at the thin redhead beneath him. He relished the flustered look on Matt's face. The goggles that now sat crookedly over his eyes and the blush that was dominating his cheeks. The short ragged pants that escaped from his mouth as he looked at the androgynous boy above him.

"Poor naïve Matty. If anything, you're _my_ bitch," Mello purred, flashing a set of white teeth at Matt before pulling him back in for another kiss.

This time the kiss lasted longer as the two boys' tongues battled it out, neither one refusing to yield, though in the end it was of course Mello who came out on top. Literally and figuratively speaking.

As they broke apart once again Mello grinned, savouring his victory over Matt. That is, until he heard the next words to come out of the flushed gamer's mouth.

"No, but seriously, where'd you get the gun from?"

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**A/N: Sigh, I don't think this one's as funny. Hope you enjoyed it anyway, remember to drop a review. Any kind of reader feedback is greatly appreciated and encourages me to sit my ass down and write.**


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